


dawn

by 101places



Series: there is only you [15]
Category: Star Wars Legends: Knights of the Old Republic (Video Games)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Mental Health Issues, Other, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, The Dark Side of the Force, except not really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-25
Updated: 2020-06-25
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:42:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24906268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/101places/pseuds/101places
Summary: Bastila sees herself for the first time after returning from the Sith.( AKA : i wanted to write revan being softer thats literally all )
Relationships: Nonbinary Revan/Bastila Shan, Revan/Bastila Shan
Series: there is only you [15]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1686904
Kudos: 22





	dawn

**Author's Note:**

> hi its my birthday so that means youve got to be nice to me
> 
> anyway. here we go bastila's still got a bad brain but she'll get there. i swear to god ill write some revbas fluff eventually they just lend themselves to hurt/comfort way too easily
> 
> rated t because bastila is mentally ill and so am i so i worried that it'd be upsetting to someone :(
> 
> cw: self-hate
> 
> comments/kudos are like birthday presents to me :)

As Bastila awoke, a few things became apparent to her. The first was that she was safe, in a comfortable, if somewhat cramped bed. The second that she was well-rested, and that the aches and pains that had plagued her body for the past few weeks had been treated. The third was that she was not alone.

She squinted her eyes open, peering through the dark at the person who had an arm wrapped protectively around her even as they slept.

The events of the past couple of days suddenly slipped into place in her mind, and she allowed herself to relax into Revan’s embrace.

That was right. Malak was dead, and she had returned to the light. All was well, and all could return to the way it had been.

Except… she couldn’t help but wonder if that was true.

Could things ever return to how they had been? Despite her friends’ reassurances, Bastila remained concerned. They insisted that she wouldn’t fall again - but there was so much that they didn’t know. Their blind faith was… unsettling at times.

Before her thoughts were given the opportunity to race away from her too quickly, Revan shifted under her, and when Bastila looked at their face she could see the slightest of frowns.

There were many pros and cons to their Force Bond. Bastila tried to take it in her stride and, indeed, had become significantly more comfortable with it as she had grown closer to them, but one element of it that she disliked was the fact that her emotions influenced Revan. She couldn’t stand the thought of harming them with her distress.

“There is no emotion…” Bastila murmured, the familiar words coming as a reflex, but she trailed off before finishing the quote. She couldn’t explain it, but the words that had brought her comfort for as long as she could remember seemed to cause an unsettled feeling in her chest.

With a sigh, Bastila gently untangled herself from Revan’s embrace and slipped out of the bed, carefully walking across the room to the adjacent fresher. She let the door slide shut behind her and made her way to the sink, filling it with water and splashing at her face.

The cool water helped her calm herself for a moment. But then she looked up and saw her reflection in the mirror.

Bastila froze, her knuckles turning white as she gripped onto the sink tightly. The discomfort she had felt upon awakening was nothing compared to the nausea she felt now - because reflected back at her, she could see thin black lines lining her cheeks.

 _It was all a lie_ , Bastila realised distantly as cold panic clawed at her, too familiar, too similar to the ice that had ran through her veins when she had embraced the dark side. _I was never saved. How could I be so foolish as to truly have believed that?_

Without thought, Bastila raised a shaking hand and held it out in front of her, palm facing outwards towards the mirror, and allowed the Force to work through her, shattering the mirror and sending sharp shards raining around the room. She could feel the sting as a few caught at her skin, but couldn’t find it in herself to care.

_This pain is meaningless. It is far less than what I deserve. I can’t be here. My presence will poison those around me - I will condemn Revan - I -_

A knock interrupted her racing thoughts, and Bastila’s eyes turned to the door sharply.

“What’s happening in there?” Revan’s voice was a strange mixture of groggy and worried. Bastila wondered if it was her fear, pain, or the sound of the mirror shattering that had woken them.

“I…” Bastila tried desperately to think of an excuse, but found her mind suddenly empty.

“Okay, look, I hope you’re decent, because I’m coming in.”

Without giving Bastila the opportunity to object, Revan opened the door and stepped inside. They took in the state of the room with a critical eye, then turned their attention to Bastila.

“Let me get you healed first.” Revan said, already crossing the room towards Bastila.

Bastila stared down at the ground, her mouth pulled into a thin line. Despite Revan’s pragmatic attitude, Bastila could feel their concern through their Bond. Concern that she didn’t deserve and couldn’t understand.

Bastila remained silent as Revan closed her few minor injuries and used the Force to brush the shards of broken mirror to a far corner, out of harm's way where they could be disposed of properly later - but she couldn’t keep her thoughts to herself for much longer.

“Why?” She finally asked, her voice flat and exhausted.

“Why what?” Revan asked in return, trying to meet her gaze.

“Why are you helping me? Why are you being so… so _gentle_? I can’t understand it. Why can’t you see that I don’t deserve this?”

“Bastila…” The tone of Revan’s voice was enough to show their sadness, and the spike of distress that travelled through their Bond only furthered it. “You aren’t a bad person.”

Finally, Bastila looked Revan in the eyes, her gaze watery but furious, “How can you _say_ that? I know that you can see it, Revan. I still carry the corruption of the dark side on my face! How long were you planning to- to lie to me? How long were you planning on keeping up this illusion that I could be saved - do you have any idea of the danger you have put yourself and others in?”

A moment of silence passed between them as Revan took in Bastila’s words.

“Oh, Bas…” Revan breathed, before their expression shifted into something more serious. They held out their hand to her. “Give me your hand.”

Bastila frowned. “What- you aren’t- you aren’t going to respond?”

“I will. But, first, just… humour me?”

Hesitantly, Bastila placed her hand in Revan’s. Revan took a step closer and rolled up Bastila’s sleeve so her bare arm was showing and, then, with their free hand they brushed against Bastila’s skin gently, trailing along an imperfection that could only be another sign of her dark side corruption. Bastila looked away quickly, not wanting to see the reminder on her skin.

“It’s okay, Bastila. Trust me, and look at it properly.”

With her heart pounding against her chest, Bastila forced herself to look back down at her arm. As she had expected, all she could see was the ugly, abhorrent sign of-

...Oh.

Bastila blinked, staring down at her own arm. When she allowed herself to look properly, she could see that the markings on her arm were not dark side corruption - they were simply scars.

Feeling her begin to calm down, Revan released her arm and reached up to cup her cheek, running their thumb over where subtle scarring lined her cheeks.

“I thought you already knew,” Revan admitted, “and I didn’t want to pry.”

“...I apologise.” Bastila rasped after a moment, shutting her eyes and allowing herself to relax into Revan’s touch, the fight having been drained out of her. “I thought…”

“I know. I can’t blame you - I likely would have had a similar reaction had the roles been reversed.”

Bastila didn’t believe Revan’s words for a moment, but she appreciated the thought.

“...Anyway,” Revan continued, “why don’t the two of us get out of here? A walk on the beach during the sunrise and then a hearty Rakatan breakfast can lift anyone’s spirits, I hear!”

“If that’s what you think is wise.” Bastila said, opening her eyes and looking at Revan again.

“I do.” Revan spoke with a soft smile. “We should talk about this more later - but I just… for now, I need you to know that I know you’re a good person - and so do the others.”

“I… I know you do.” Bastila replied softly. “...Thank you.”

“Reassuring my favourite Jedi is never any trouble!”

With Revan’s hand tightly in her own, Bastila left, hoping that the rising sun would chase the remaining darkness from her mind.


End file.
